Hitting the ground running

I’m still putting my bucket list together in my head. Next post, I promise.

This post: hitting the ground running. Facing a fear head on. Going on the boat.

 Before I go any further with this post (or this blog) I should just explain something: I am a wuss. A wuss about all kinds of things that normal people don’t get even remotely freaked out about. To give you some ideas – dentists. flying. going in lifts. You get the picture. And there are plenty more where those came from. So as you can see I’ve got plenty to work with on this blog, and please bear with me if some of my fear-busting seems a little pedestrian at times. I am promising some big stuff in here too, so watch this space over the coming weeks and months.

In advance of my bucket list (next post) I thought that I’d do a little fear busting today.

I may as well be upfront about Me and Fear – we go back a long way. Fear often brings along a little friend – Anxiety. I’m no stranger to a panic attack.  They come and go. So when I get scared I get a double whammy – not just the fear bit but often a panic attack chucked into the mix as well. It makes the fear a formidable sparring partner. There are days when my fear feels like a mountain that is impossible to climb.

I’ve decided that I’m not giving into The Fear any more. Which means that I have to charge at it,and ram it,marauding celt stylee.  And not think about it first. Or think about it, acknowledge it and then say Eff It and do it anyway.

* *  *  *  *  *

Today I went on a boat, out to sea, ostensibly to look for dolphins. It would have been nice to have seen a few – but today turned out to be about something else.

The sea was very choppy. Irish sea, it does that. We were certainly riding the waves. Initially I felt fear-sick in my stomach. Then something happened. I relaxed into it. I let the waves do their thing. And I actually started to enjoy the crazy rollercoaster wavecoasting trip.

Predictably I suppose really, an analogy popped into my head. It’s an obvious enough one – about waves and life and rolling with it. All of those expressions ‘go with the flow’  ‘roll with it’  ‘coasting along’ - some things in life are much easier when you don’t fight them.

So I’m not going to fight my fear anymore. But I’m not going to give into it and let it win anymore either. It’s going to be ‘feel it,acknowledge it,sod it and do it anyway’ all the way. In theory. Hopefully. You know.

*  *  *  *  *

Back on the boat today, it struck me today that if fear is that boat then I’m damn well jumping aboard it and riding those waves for all I’m worth.

It seemed like a fitting start to My Beautiful midlife crisis.

Welcome aboard : )

Next Time: My bucket list

Hello World! Introducing: My Beautiful Midlife Crisis

Hello there : )

I’m having a midlife crisis.

At least I hope I am.

It’s really good. I’m really enjoying it.

Perhaps I’d better explain.

I’m just going to tell it like it is.

*  *  *  *  *  *

It’s fair to say that I am ‘a lady of a certain age’.  You know what I mean don’t you. 40. FORTY FFS. 

How did I get to be FORTY years old? Old. Forty. Last time I checked I was twenty,I’m sure. But I’ve checked. And sure enough, twenty Summers and Christmases and 365 days of living twenty times over have ebbed and flowed since then.

But the strange thing is that I don’t feel old at all. I feel ageless. I’ve worn well,as they say; the years have been kind to me.  I have to check myself when I’m admiring *Ahem* young men and remember that,technically,there is every chance that I’m old enough to be their mother. Or that I know their mother. Either/Or.

At this juncture you may be thinking that you know what’s coming next. The whole-doom and-gloom-woe-is-me-I-hate-being-forty bit.  But No! Au contraire – Life – MY LIFE – really does begin at forty. I’ve Decided.

I should say before I continue that I’m very blessed. I have a great life,that I love and appreciate. Family life – fab. Work – fab. Friends – Top Banana. Health – I’m lucky. So,you know, all that stuff is good. I’m not discontented with any of that in any way.

*  *  *  *  *  

But for a while now I’ve been thinking. Reflecting. And sometimes things have just come to me. Realisations,you know.

*  *  *  *  *

Let me tell you about two things that resonated with me last week.

Firstly: This http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

I’d strongly advise anyone to read this. But if you can’t, I’ll summarise,although a summary doesn’t do it justice:

A nurse who  has worked with the dying shares the most common top 5 regrets that people have on their deathbed.  Has that bit got you uncomfortable already? We aren’t very good at dealing with death in the west are we. We could learn a lot from Buddhists on that front. But I digress. Here are the top 5, in no particular order as far as I can tell:

1  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself,not the life others expected of me.

2 I wish I didn’t work so hard.

3 I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4  I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5  I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Ok.

Second thing that resonated with me this week: Alice Payne’s bucket list.

I’m a Tweeter, I do Twitter. Last week a very brave and beautiful young lady trended on Twitter with her fantastic blog and,poignantly,her bucket list.  Alice is 15 years old and she is dying. Imagine being 15 years old and knowing that you are dying, that you will never reach adulthood. Imagine knowing that. I tried and I cried for Alice Payne.

*  *  *  *  *

Last week these two things bookended  my own thoughts about my own middle age. It was a wake up call.  I had an Epiphany in the crisp aisle at Tesco’s. I kid you not. A bolt of recognition, realisation,that life is what you make it. That it is to be grabbed by the – well you know. To do what you dream of doing, now while you can – all of that stuff. To like yourself, and to change the bits that you aren’t so happy with,before it’s too late.

For years I coasted, asleep, thinking that I had all the time in the world. I was scared of so many things; my fear held me back. Fear has been a big constant in my life, it has held me back so much over the years. That, and a lack of self confidence.

So. This is where My Beautiful Midlife Crisis starts, and this is the plan:

Life is too short and Life is to be lived. Not half-lived and not lived in fear. So. I’ve decided that my midlife crisis is going to be a magical exciting time, a transformative and positive experience.

I’m not going to be running off with anyone half my age or leaving my family; or donning outfits that are way too young for me or any of that stuff. No,it’s not that kind of midlife crisis at all.

Quite simply I have made a decision not to live my life any longer held back by fear or a lack of confidence. I’m going to face my fears head on,change what needs to be changed and with one goal – to really live life to the full so that I won’t have big regrets at the end of the road. In theory.

Over the coming weeks and months I am going to blog about every new thing that I try, every fear that I face and every new thing that I experience. I am going to push myself beyond my comfort zone. I will be trying all kinds of things simply because I want to! Coming up in my next post will be my challenge list. Other challenges may emerge upon the way.

I KNOW that I am not alone on this journey,or in having these fears. So if you are experiencing these too,come and join me on my journey. Comment and share your experiences – we can all support and learn from each other : ) 

So. Sounds easy? I’m not so sure.  But it absolutely HAS to be done.  And this is where it starts.

Welcome to My Beautiful Midlife Crisis : )